Of Shadows and Shepards
by sesheta255
Summary: Random Stupidity # ?  Shepard and Alenko are in for a few surprises when they finally come face to face with the Shadow Broker.


_Random Stupidity #?. No number for this one yet. My muse decided to get ahead of herself and jump to post ME2. Thanks go to the usual suspects, Star for betaing, and Shenzi & Night for their support._

_Bioware owns all characters, I just play with them and put them in stupid situations._

**Of Shadows and Shepards**

"Shepard?" Joker's voice came through the intercom in Shepard's cabin.

"What Joker? Can't Kaidan and I have any time to ourselves? This is getting really old now, you know."

"I'm sorry Shepard, but we've got an incoming message from Liara. She says it's urgent."

"Joker's waiting for you on the bridge, Shepard. You'd better go." Kaidan grinned and ducked as she tried to hit him with a pillow.

"I thought we agreed you were never going to say that to me again," Shepard returned his grin as she swung the pillow again.

"I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist, and the look on your face was priceless." He grabbed the pillow out of her hands and pushed her off the bed. "Duty calls. We'd better get dressed and see what's so urgent."

"Yeah I guess you're right." Shepard sighed as she rummaged for clothing that was now strewn around the room. "At least Joker's timing is improving, it would have been really inconvenient if he'd called ten minutes earlier."

They finished dressing and made their way to the bridge. A grinning Joker hit the switch and signaled to Shepard that Liara could hear her.

"What's up Liara?" Shepard threw a questioning look at Joker who shrugged back at her.

"Shepard, I need your help. Can you come to Ilium?" Liara's voice sounded agitated as it came over the comm.

"Sure, we'll be there as soon as possible. Can you tell me what this is about?"

"I'd rather wait till you're here."

"Ok, Liara we'll see you soon." She flicked the comm switch and turned to Joker "Head to Ilium Joker. Let me know when we're half an hour out."

"Sure thing Shepard. Hope Liara didn't interrupt anything important." Joker was openly laughing now.

"No and neither did you or you'd be getting a scenic tour of the airlock right about now." She grinned at him and turned to Kaidan. "I'm heading to the mess. I'm starving."

"Since when is that news?" Kaidan rolled his eyes but followed her to the mess. He was going to hang back and talk to Joker but decided he was safer in her company than alone, with Kelly lying in wait in the CIC.

* * *

Kaidan looked at Shepard as they left the Normandy and proceeded through the packed Ilium trading floor. She was in full armour and fully armed, complete with rocket launcher. He shook his head. There was no point in trying to argue with her. She looked like she was going into battle rather than just visiting an old friend. While he agreed that it was good to take precautions, he thought that the rocket launcher might be a bit too much. Her only concession had been to leave off her helmet.

It was probably better to expect the unexpected where Shepard was concerned though. There were too many people in the galaxy gunning for her at the moment. It would be nice to think that one of these days the galaxy would take care of itself and they could get some peace, but he didn't see it happening any time soon. As they made their way to Liara's office Shepard was on full alert, her eyes searching every inch of the trading floor, but it was unnecessary as they arrived at the office without mishap.

"Shepard. Thank the goddess you came." Liara's relief at seeing Shepard was evident as they hugged.

"Liara, what's this about? Are you in some kind of trouble?" Shepard moved out of Liara's embrace and sat in one of the chairs at the desk.

"No trouble, but I need your help. I've located the Shadow Broker." Liara walked to her desk and sat down as she spoke.

"Do you know who he is?"

"No. But I know he's on Earth."

"Earth!. Does that mean the Shadow Broker is human?" Kaidan couldn't help asking as he sat down beside Shepard.

"I don't know, but that seems most likely. I was hoping you would help me. I still need to find my friend, and make the Shadow Broker pay for what he's done to all of us." Too agitated to sit, Liara stood and stared unseeingly out of the window towards the trading floor.

"Tell me about this friend of yours. Do you think he might still be alive?"

"His name is Feron, he's a drell, and I have no idea whether he's alive or not, but I hope so. He used to work for the Shadow Broker but he helped me get your body and enabled me to escape while he held off the Shadow Broker's guards. I gather the Illusive Man never told you about him."

"The Illusive Man seems to have left rather a lot of information out of our talks." Shepard said with a shake of her head. "So I guess we're heading to Earth then. Are you ready to go Liara?"

"Yes. Thank you Shepard."

Shepard and Kaidan stood up and headed to the door with Liara close behind. Once on the Normandy Liara gave the co-ordinates of the Shadow Broker's headquarters to Joker and soon they were on their way.

* * *

Shepard strode onto the bridge as the Normandy entered Earth's atmosphere to find Kaidan and Garrus already there. "Are the stealth systems on Joker?"

"Stealth systems are engaged, Shepard. These co-ordinates Liara gave seem to be in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Must be an island."

"My data indicates that there is an island known as Shadow Island at that location. The records state that it was used for nuclear testing and is uninhabited, but I'm not picking up any radio-activity, Shepard," EDI announced.

"Thanks EDI. Looks like the Shadow Broker isn't very creative when it comes to island names. It's so obvious, no wonder no-ones ever thought to look for him there. Take us in Joker."

"Shepard, sensors are picking up a lot of turrets."

"I guess that means we won't be able to sneak in quietly. Kaidan, Liara, and I will head out in the Hammerhead and take them out. The rest of the squad can come in when we give the all clear. Tell everyone to gear up and head down to the shuttle."

As they left the bridge Garrus looked at Kaidan. "Better you than me." Then turning to Shepard he added, "Don't forget the Hammerhead doesn't have any shields to speak off, Shepard. You actually have to avoid letting the rockets hit you. I've only just got the damage repaired from last time."

Noting Kaidan's horrified expression she said, "Don't look so worried Kaidan. Garrus is still walking, talking, and breathing isn't he? Besides, I just didn't want him to get bored, there's only so much calibrating anyone can reasonably do. A busy crew is a happy crew, after all."

"Yeah and a happy crew is one that isn't in an unshielded vehicle that's on fire and about to blow." With that parting shot Garrus left them at the Hammerhead and headed to the shuttle.

The island was a small patch of green in the middle of an endless expanse of blue. It looked peaceful enough except for the turrets poking out through the vegetation. Garrus' dire warnings proved to be wrong much to Kaidan's relief and they managed to take out all the turrets and land the Hammerhead on the beach. After giving the shuttle the all clear they headed towards the house that they'd spotted from the air.

As they approached the structure Shepard stopped dead in her tracks and stared in disbelief. The white stucco walled Spanish style hacienda surrounded by lush tropical gardens did not look like the headquarters of one of the galaxy's most powerful people.

"You've got to be kidding me. Liara, are you sure this is the pl…." Shepard's sentence went unfinished as Kaidan crashed into her, knocking her to the ground as the bullets started to fly.

Shepard rolled to her feet, her weapon already in her hand. The three of them made their way forward, taking cover as rockets were fired at them. Palm trees and statues shattered around them. The blue glow of their biotic attacks lit up the area as they made short work of the rocketeers and continued their advance towards the front door of the house.

The sounds of battle coming from both sides told Shepard that the squad was on the ground and were taking care of any guards on the perimeters of the estate.

The house was strangely quiet and seemingly deserted and as they wandered through every room checking for signs of guards. Finally there was only one door left.

"This has to be it. Let's do it." Shepard said as they came to a stop at the door in front of them. They burst through the door, biotics flaring and weapons ready only to be dumbfounded by the sound of a familiar voice coming from the large desk at the back of the room.

"Commander Shepard? I can't believe it. It's such an _honour_ to have you in my home."

Shepard stopped and stared. "What the hell? Conrad? What are _you _doing here?"

"I live here. I can't believe that **the** Commander Shepard is in my house. My wife is going to be so excited."

"What the hell?" Kaidan echoed Shepard's words as he looked at Conrad and then around the room.

Shepard took a moment to look around and saw a huge picture of herself on one wall that she recognized as the one she'd allowed Conrad to take on the Citadel three years ago. The other walls were filled with various bits of memorabilia, models of the Normandy and Sovereign, and replica N7 armour. There were even spent clips. The whole room appeared to be a goddamn shrine. A shrine dedicated to _her_. She looked at Conrad. "Well this is …unexpected."

"Orders Shepard?" Kaidan was watching her closely. She looked like she was in shock and if the situation weren't so serious he'd have taken a picture of her face because he knew that he'd never be able to describe the look on it. He hoped Joker was getting a good shot of it on the vid link they'd set up.

"Where's the Shadow Broker?" Liara had a pistol pointed directly at Conrad Verner's head.

"Who?" To his credit Conrad didn't cringe. He was probably used to having guns shoved in his face by now.

"The Shadow Broker, where is he?" The biotic aura around Liara grew more intense as she spoke.

"But there's only me and my wife here. I don't know anyone called the Shadow Broker."

"Shepard. Snap out of it!" Kaidan's words finally got through to her.

"So where is your wife Conrad? I think I'd like to meet her." Shepard said sounding slightly bemused.

"You're going to _love_ her Commander Shepard. I'll just call her." Conrad pushed a button on the intercom on his desk and asked his wife to come to his study. Her voice when she replied was faint but strangely familiar.

Joker and EDI had managed to patch into the comm system in the room and were receiving a video feed from Kaidan's omnitool.

"Commander, we're patched in. What the hell is going on down there? Is that who I think it is?" Joker's voice came over the comm speakers loud and clear.

Shepard had been about to answer Joker when the door opened to reveal Conrad's wife. The sight of her robbed her temporarily of all speech, and it seemed that neither Kaidan or Liara were doing much better as they stared at the woman who entered the room for she looked exactly like Shepard and was even dressed in the same armour.

"Ah, Commander? Is this some sort of weird Prothean dream that you've somehow managed to include all of us in? Because if it is, I have to tell you it's really starting to freak me out." Joker's voice brought everyone back to the present.

"I don't think you're the only one Joker." Shepard said as she stared open mouthed at the duplicate standing before her. She turned to Conrad. "I know my crew will probably have me committed for saying this, but I'm assuming you're the Shadow Broker. Do you want to explain that .… that thing?," she asked, pointing at Conrad's wife.

All trace of the fawning idiot fell away as Conrad replied, his voice taking on a more polished, cultured tone, his words confident and self assured. "It's quite simple Shepard. As Conrad the simpleton it is ridiculously easy to obtain information because everyone dismisses me as unimportant and thus I am ignored and privy to all sorts of interesting snippets of information."

He moved back and leaned against the desk. "As for my wife, the Reapers gave me the technology to grow my own from the DNA samples I'd collected from you. It was really quite easy to gather the necessary information on clones from databanks all over the galaxy. I even managed to access the Cerberus databases to give her most of your memories. A fellow named Wilson was _most _helpful to me."

"But you mentioned your wife three years ago when I first met you on the Citadel."

"I lied, of course. What can I say? I was somewhat of a fan of yours."

"But if she's me and has my memories, why the hell is she with you?"

"Well I did have to make some modifications, but my wife absolutely adores me, and I am very satisfied with her." He motioned to his wife who came obediently to him and linked her arm through his.

"Now you're just grossing me out." A faint look of nausea crossed her face.

"Shepard, does all this really matter? I want to know what happened to Feron!" Liara moved forward, clearly agitated and barely managing to keep her biotics under control.

"Ah, the drell. He's in my torture chamber. He was still alive last time I was there, although I must admit I have been quite busy and haven't checked on him for a few days. He had to learn what betraying the Shadow Broker truly costs those stupid enough to try." He pushed a button on his desk and a part of the wall slid away to partially reveal the room behind it.

Shepard spoke up, "Well I think I've seen and heard enough. How about you Liara? You can have him, but _she's_ mine." Shepard dove towards her clone, the momentum carrying them both out of sight behind the desk.

The force of Liara's biotic attack shook the room, and soon what remained of the Shadow Broker would, as she'd once predicted, have fit into a coffee cup. Kaidan took a tentative step towards the desk as both Shepards rose to their feet.

"Well this could be a bit of a problem." Joker remarked over the still intact speakers.

"So Shepard what do we do with her?" Kaidan wasn't quite sure which Shepard he should be addressing, or which 'her' he was referring to.

"Shoot it, it's an abomination!" The Shepard on the right exclaimed.

"I can't do that Shepard. I couldn't shoot you. What if she's you and you're not?" He was sure he'd have a migraine after this.

"Alenko you're the only one that will be able to tell the real Shepard from the clone."

"And how am I supposed to do that Joker?"

"Well you may have to sleep with both of them."

"Don't be ridiculous. I have my hands full with one Shepard."

"Alenko!" That was Shepard's voice, but Kaidan wasn't sure which one had spoken.

"Sorry Shepard, it just sort of slipped out."

"Yeah, like she hasn't heard that before." Joker's voice tinged with laughter rang out in the room.

"Joker!" exclaimed Kaidan and one of the Shepard's.

"It's not like we didn't already know that one of you is enough for any man to handle Shepard, given the amount of protein bars and energy drinks Alenko goes through. She could come in handy though. There's any number of people on board the Normandy, or in the galaxy even, who'd love some alone time with you Shepard, clone or not."

"Don't even _think_ about going there, Joker." Kaidan was getting irritated.

Joker continued as if Kaidan hadn't spoken. "Don't forget we're freelance at the moment. We have to come up with some way to finance this operation. But if you don't like that idea I guess it's back to my original suggestion. You'll have to sleep with both of them, Alenko."

"He puts one finger on that thing and he's getting his ass warped." The Shepard on the right's agitation was becoming more apparent.

Kaidan looked at her and grinned. "Ok, now I know you're the real Shepard."

"Shepard, we've dealt with any remaining guards that…." Garrus' voice trailed off as he and Jack entered the room. They both came to a dead stop as they looked around the room then noticed the two Shepards. Jack's exclamation of "Fuck!" pretty much summed up the situation.

Garrus glanced at Kaidan and then back to the two Shepards. "Damn Shepard, I don't know if the galaxy is ready for two of you, and I'm pretty sure Alenko's not. One of you is dangerous enough to the galaxy _and_ to Alenko's health."

"Laugh it up Garrus." Once again the Shepard on the right spoke confirming to Kaidan that he'd chosen correctly.

"Fuck this! I am not being on the Normandy with two Shepards. It's bad enough I have to put up with _one_ of you trying to get in my head all the time." Jack shook her head and then turned to Kaidan. "Grab one, kill the other one and let's get the fuck out of here."

"Shepard, perhaps if I join my mind with yours I will be able to tell which one of you is the real Shepard." Liara's voice held the confusion that everyone else was feeling.

"No!" Shepard exclaimed. Given all her thoughts were pretty much centred around Kaidan naked, the last thing she wanted was Liara sifting through her mind.

"You see, she's obviously the clone, she doesn't want you looking into her mind and finding out the truth." The Shepard on the left finally spoke.

"Ha! More like she doesn't want to share her Alenko happy place with anyone. She wants to keep that fine ass all to herself." Jack's comment was immediately followed by Joker's choking laughter.

_Why does everything always come back to my ass no matter what the situation? _Kaidan couldn't help thinking as he felt himself blushing.

"Alenko, you could always ask what her favourite position is." Joker was enjoying himself now.

"Shut up, Joker. Now!" Shepard snapped.

The Shepard on the left moved forward and caressed Kaidan's cheek. "But Kaidan, I'm the real Shepard."

"Ok you just crossed the line bitch." Shepard's biotics flared and the strength of the warp field she threw at the woman standing next to Kaidan surprised everyone, herself included.

Kaidan looked at what was left of the clone before announcing, "See? I told you that one wasn't the real Shepard."

* * *

Shepard walked into her cabin later and found Kaidan lying on the bed. "How's the head? It's been a hell of a day."

"It's fine now. I hope we don't have to go through that ever again. Looking at two of you was just too bizarre, not to mention damned unnerving."

"How do you think I felt? But are you sure I'm the right Shepard?" She joined him on the bed.

"Well I'm _pretty_ sure, but I may have to take up Joker's suggestion and sleep with you, just to be certain."

"Now that's the best idea I've heard from you all day." Shepard said as she moved closer to him.

A while later she jumped up with a startled oath. "Kaidan, you did remember to turn off the video feed to Joker on your omnitool, didn't you?"

* * *

Joker sat back in his chair with a sigh of satisfaction. He had just tripled the amount of protein bars and energy drinks on the requisition sheets. Alenko would need every single one of them if what he'd just witnessed was any indication. That vid was definitely going straight into his private collection.


End file.
